Special Needs Students

Had a special needs class today in highschool.
They weren't my first special needs class.
A month ago, I had even been to a special needs school where all the kids that I teach were both physically and mentally handicapped. Many drool and couldn't look up or speak properly. Some even needs plastic tubes or be tied on their wheel-chair. Each one of them needs a personal assistant.
Imagine walking into a class with 15 of them, I almosted cried...
I wasn't teaching, I was there to make them happy so they could enjoy their life more (I thought...)

Today at my usual junior high, 2 of the girls with better conditional came up to me after class and asked me to play with them during lunch time. I didn't think I could handle, so I said I will be busy during lunch time.

Just thinking that I don't think I am the kind of person who can deal with special needs kids.
I have no patience and I just can't smile all the time when I teach them.
Sometimes I feel like a hypocrite. It's like I have to pretend like I care and keep on saying "good! very good!"

Sometimes when I look at them, I feel sorry for them and for their parents.
Maybe I am not supposed to. Maybe they didn't feel sorry for themselves.
But what IF it happens to me..... think I will kill the baby and then kill myself.
It's a terrible thought